So far, I have noticed one thing about myself. I have so many friends and family that care so much about me and I really appreciate that. The problem is though, that once I start noticing that someone admires or cares a lot about me, I try as hard as possible to push them away. I don’t know whether it’s too much pressure for me, having to live up to their expectations but I just cannot seem to handle it in the right manner. Some would embrace such blessings but it deters me. I somehow manage to disappoint such people on purpose so that they don’t develop these high expectations of me then I just portray this ‘i-don’t-care’ attitude towards them. I really don’t like this behaviour towards such important people in my life.
Through the 20-something years that I have been on this earth, I have only made a few friends, maybe 2-3 max, and that is not through my initiating these friendships. These people have developed an interest in getting to know me and I haven’t shown much interest in return but they stuck by anyway. I think I have lost the sense of the meaning of friendship as I don’t put in enough effort to cultivate the friendships that I have gained thus far. Maybe it has to do with the fact that the childhood friends I had never added value to my life, in fact my self-esteem got destroyed in the process but that is a story for another day…Peace
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